When I was in my early 20's I tried to pursue a career in opera singing, went as far as 2 years of private lessons. I guess the schooling I got in "posturing" of my voice and the fact that I seem to be unable to get rid of a thick Russian accent adds up to the effect that people seem to be hypnotized by my voice, just to ask at the end of my speech: "what was that you just said?????" That is why I feel the most freedom when I communicate with others in writing-no vocal distractions to the conversation:)
Someone (God, Devil, both of them fighting?) has inflicted such a level of
sensibility upon me...it's unbearable to breath...sometimes, or rather often-overseen
a clumsy gesture-meant to portray any obscure thought-or-even more so-absence
of one, but blunt agression, though directed not towards my-tortured-self-but
someone else-make me shiver.It is so hard to pull that needle out of tingling
heart tissue sometimes...I wonder-why me??? Why my body has been deprived
of that protective layer, feels -skinned alive, nerve endings dance in convulsions
even on gentle breeze...
I often gasp from instantaneous pain, when, swallowed a breath of air, I sence a clump of hatred, casualy dropped by someone...maybe without certain purpose or much consideration, but just because...it's easier to be hateful when you are miserable.
I feel colors, before rainbow is born, simply because I can see air trembling. When darkness falls, it is never black or even dark-but shimmering with singing and oh-so-blinding with cascading strands of newborn visions.
7 March 2002
People often ask me: how long did it take you to write this poem?
And I never know what to answer For I do not actually write my poems, or tales of the soul as I like to call them. I have these images in my head, in front of my eyes, when they become too bright, I feel I need to do something about it and I sit down and I do a painting or describe what I see thru simple words. So how long does it take to write a poem? 15-20 minutes possibly of actual physical time or a lifetime that got me to this point plus a gentle (or not so gentle) push (a.k.a. event) that set my emotions punching thru.
"Tigers and Prophets"
It is rather complicated-I prefer tigers to people, because they don't lie...simultaneously, I am disgusted of people who are too straight forward in their desires...Some think I am just a crazy [b....], who doesn't know what she wants-I want too much and reject any excess-try to be happy in such a setting.
I want all the jerks and prophets to shut up-is it too much to ask? If you've
got nothing to say or others put words in your mouth-why speak at all???
I suppose my judjements are too harsh-but same rules apply not only to others, but on myself as well, fair enough?
Circumstances are the children of our unrealised desires...Fate is nothing more than random scenes of what we expect and fear put in order...doesn't make sense for some...others are bored, because it makes too much sence. I think I am the second kind. Always expect unexpected, simple things seem to be too complicated to enjoy. When you number out what you whould enjoy and what you whouldn't-there's nothing left to excite you. If you go for something you know you'll like-enjoyment is stolen by knowledge.
When you are afraid to take another breath, because it might change the Universe...what do you do? Ever felt chills up your spine because you suddenly realize that this very momentum is never to repeat itself? Not that you are enjoying the circumstance, but it is-oh, so scary-that it'll be gone...no matter how hard you chase after it-new moments are just that-new ones...no real repetition. Enjoy it while you still alive:)
My religion? Atheism and dismissal rule. I have problems with any religion-mono-diety as well as multi-diety. Love the myths-like diving into unknown senses. Never make deals with gods to obtain something-your heart is not pure if you do so, life and death are not an items for sale, gotta hate marketplaces...I mean churches:) Even faith is commercialized by homo sapiens. I'll be good so reward me...in life or after death...selfish attitude. Hate trade-offs. Period.
Tell me what you like me to be-I'll be just that. Don't use words-your thoughts
are enough of a directive.
Don't like what you see? Well, it's your desires that shaped me. Love me or kill me, we are not in a petting zoo...
Patience is not my virtue. Give it all to me or be damned. At once.
23 December 2001